As children, many of us view our parents as paragons of strength; we crawl into bed with them when there’s a storm, because they take the power out of thunder. We ask for permissions, because they’ve lived long enough to know better. We cry to them when we are feeling low because their kisses and hugs are a special brand of magic. And when looking at the lines on their faces we know they have lived hundreds of lives before us.

When we grow up, we’ve attuned to the storms and the pains of life, and we learn to mostly make the right decisions. But our parents remain immovable in love. As a son or daughter, we want to honor all the love it took to build us, as their children. We also want to honor the lines set between their brows, and on their cheeks. We helped build their character as their children, but how do we build this as they age?

For many sons and daughters, part of our own aging process includes slowly bearing witness to our parent’s vulnerabilities; their knees won’t allow them to be the avid gardener they once were, the doctor’s appointments seem to be stacking up, and they remember when it was easier to recall an old stew recipe by heart. With these vulnerabilities comes the helplessness of wanting to be there, but not knowing how. And when vulnerabilities start to turn into the inability to care for oneself, we find ourselves in a role reversal we never saw coming, which includes organizing pill boxes, doing laundry, and ensuring our parents eat often make the checklist. For a few it is manageable, but for many it is not.

Life can suddenly be consumed by realizing mom forgot to take her heart medication, or hugging dad and noticing weight loss, or wondering if they remembered to lock the door and turn off the stove. It can be leaving your home to stay the night, to make sure they don’t fall. It might be reminding them of appointments, where you are taking time off work to transport them. In other words, it becomes a whole other life a child lives to parent their parent. This can be sustainable depending on workload, responsibilities, income, and energy, but eventually one or more of those things gives way. Often, a levee breaks, and desperation gives way to a search for solution.

There’s also a certain degree of guilt in handing off responsibility to care for your parents; often just as heavy as the guilt felt when thinking you should continue to care for them, but knowing you cannot. These are our parents! They grew us! When we raise a human there are so many ways to view at it, whether young or old. Raise, by definition, is “to lift”. We cannot lift when we are tired. And when we are tired, we need to rest. Leave the guilt behind. You have permission to cross back over a line you never knew you crossed, which divided a daughter and caregiver.  Good, assisted living isn’t an island, it’s a village. A good, assisted living community knows the whole family enters the community, if they choose. Good, assisted living means assistance for everyone. Embrace the process as a family entity, with the community as a partner, and step through the journey together.

Tips for Exploring Assisted Living

1.      If your parents are open to exploring this option, know this is a big step for them. Talk about what is most important to them when deciding on a community. Do your best to honor their wishes.

2.      Talk to caregivers, staff, management team, and other residents if possible.

3.      Most places offer a lunch tour. This is a great opportunity to explore the quality of food!

4.      Pop in on facilities you are considering.

5.      Beware the overshare. You don’t need to be sold. The person you are meeting with should be curious about your loved one.

6.      Pick the three most important aspects and stick to those. You can try to get to as perfect as possible, but it’s never going to be 100%.

7.      Find someone who will walk you through the process. A good community relations director should be able to give you a road map of what you should anticipate.

8.      Ask around. Others may have experience with this thing. Word of mouth is important.

9.      Be realistic. The first 30 days, particularly the first week will be an adjustment period. Pick a community that you know will communicate well and promptly.

10.  Take your time, if you can. Explore ahead of time. If you haven’t had the talk with your parent yet, they are going to have a lot of questions. Having answers means you were thoughtful and diligent.