How My Spirited Child Made Me A Better Mom05/02/2023 ● By Cheryl Maguire
According to the book a spirited child is defined as, “a child who is more intense, persistent, sensitive and perceptive than the average child”. Kurchinka coined the term spirited when she was looking for information regarding her son, she only came across words like difficult, strong-willed or stubborn. She felt framing the description of her child using a positive word, such as spirited, would help her to focus on her child’s strengths.
When I was in graduate school earning a degree in counseling psychology, I remember a professor saying to me, “You will learn the most from challenging cases.” This comment has stayed with me throughout the years. After reading this book I couldn’t help but think of how I became both a better parent and a better person from knowing my daughter.
In the book, Kurchinka states spirited children are persistent. She points out that this is can be considered a positive characteristic and gave examples of people such as Martin Luther King or the Wright brothers who were persistent. However, it can also lead to power struggles with your child. The key is to use positive words like committed, decisive or I prefer the word determined.
My daughter is the most determined person I have ever met. She learned how to ride a bicycle in three days, at age five, mostly on her own. She spent every moment of those three days attempting this skill. It didn’t matter how many times she fell or how many scrapes and bruises she received, she got back on her bicycle until she could ride it without falling.
She used the same amount of determination while learning to play the piano. One day she decided she wanted to learn how to play and instead of asking for lessons she looked up YouTube videos of how to play the piano. She spent the next week practicing the same song over and over. By the end of the week, everyone in the family was amazed at her ability to play the song which she learned entirely on her own.
When I see her willingness to go after her goals despite any obstacles she may encounter, I can’t help but feel motivated to do the same with my goals. When I’m feeling frustrated I merely envision her riding the bicycle or playing the piano and realize I can’t give up.
Spirited children often are perceptive. Kurchinka states, “their senses are keen, drawing in every aspect of stimulation around them.” She then mentions how this ability helps the child to have creative thoughts.
In my daughter's case, her perceptiveness has led to curiosity which caused some interesting moments when she was younger and seemed to get into everything. One time she grabbed the diaper cream without me knowing it. I only realized it when I found it smeared all over the couch.
She is always interested in how things work and asks lots of questions or tries to figure it out on her own as was the case with playing the piano. Seeing her attempt new experiences has caused me to try activities I might normally never consider such as an alternative fitness class or reading a different book genre. Normally I’m a shy person who doesn’t willingly take risks. When I see my daughter attempting something like climbing a rock wall I can’t help but feel inspired to try new things as well.
When you are the parent of a spirited child you are going to encounter temper tantrums. Kurchinka even devotes an entire chapter about tantrums in her book. She states, “all kids throw tantrums, but spirited children do it with much more pizzazz, finesse, and frequency.”
Over the years I developed patience and understanding for my daughter’s tantrums which has resulted in a decrease in her behavior. Patience was required for my daughter’s curiosity such as the example above where she decorated the couch with diaper cream. Patience is necessary with regard to her persistence which does result in power struggles especially as she gets older. My patience has helped me in dealing with other areas of my life such as waiting for customer service or interacting with my other children.
Kurchinka notes, “sensitive spirited kids feel emotions see sights, hear sounds, and smell odors to a degree that most of us mortals will never know.”
At times this translates to a lot of crying especially when my daughter was younger. I can now identify when she is feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated and needs to be in a more quiet, less stimulating environment when this occurs. I feel empathic toward her experience.
My favorite aspect of this trait is how she loves to help others or make other people feel special. On mother’s day, she always showers me with various homemade gifts and baked goods. She truly loves making me breakfast in bed.
During teacher conferences, her fifth-grade teacher told me at the end of every day my daughter makes a point to say thank you for teaching her. She said in her fifteen years of being a teacher she never encountered a student who did this, yet this simple act made her feel appreciated.
Loving the Spirit
Even though being the parent of a spirited child can be challenging, I have loved every moment of it (not just because she is my daughter either). My daughter has helped me to accomplish my goals, try new experiences, and most importantly appreciate others.