Congratulations! You don’t say whether you are a mom or a dad, but the recommendations will be the same.
As a responsible parent, the bottom line rule of thumb is always,”What’s in my kids’ best interest?” When it comes to your emotions and the excitement of a new person in your life, the boundaries can easily become blurred. Dating is about sharing a variety of experiences with a variety of people. You may decide to continue dating several people, or just one. You may decide to enter into a committed relationship with this person, or not.

Your personal life is ‘personal’ because it is your private adult business. Too often we are so excited about positive changes that we have a need to tell everybody and anybody everything, right away…including our kids. Slow down, enjoy the positive feelings and keep your personal life separate from your family life until you are sure they should be integrated. This is much simpler if you are not single parenting full-time, but it can be worked out through child care, and spending time together when the children are in school or with friends. If this person is meant to be in your life, you could have the rest of your lives together, so what’s the rush?

Most kids are very sensitive to energetic changes in the family, even if they don’t have specific information about what is going on. They will pick up on the fact that you relate differently to this “aunt” or “uncle” than you do to their biological relatives. Think about all the things you “knew” about your family growing up, without being told (who had the drinking problem, who was having an affair, etc.). Kids always have their radar out and absorb information (verbal and non-verbal) like sponges. Plan to keep all your communications private, which means when the children are not around (in school, at friends’, etc.), not when they are in their rooms with the door closed or in bed and you think they are asleep. Why? Because kids have feelings. Too much information (that they have no control over) too soon, can result in anxious kids, which makes it harder for them to manage their behaviors; which can make them harder to parent. What may be a glorious yearned for opportunity for you may be a dreaded, resented change for them. You may be focused on having a peer to share adult interests with, while they may be focused on not wanting to have to share you with someone new. Kids become attached to people in their lives, which hopefully will include this person.

However, if the relationship doesn’t work out not only are you dealing with your grief and loss issues, but those of your child’s as well. When children experience repeated relationship losses they lose their ability to trust, and to develop healthy relationships as they grow and mature. They also grow up learning what they live: that adults have what is often referred to as “serial monogamy”: one relationship after another, but nothing long term. They grow up thinking this is normal.

“But I don’t want to keep secrets from my children” is something I often hear. Having appropriate boundaries and keeping secrets are two different things. Adult information (financial, employment, housing, health, and relationship concerns) is for adults. Keeping it to your self and only sharing it with other adults is maintaining healthy boundaries, not keeping secrets. If your child asks, of course answer honestly, but only offer as much as they need to know. It is also important to not give personal adult information to your older children (because they can “handle it”), or ask them not to tell their younger siblings or other family members. That is asking them to keep a secret, which may make them feel special, but it also adds extra pressure and is not fair to them.

There are many more things to consider, too much for one column, but some things to ponder include:

• How well do we really know each other? Have we had a wide range of shared experiences?

• We may be madly attracted to each other, but are we “relationship material” with each other? Is our “appropriate” relationship platonic, sexual, casual, committed, or…?

• What is their relationship history? What is mine? How will our histories impact the present?

• What are the ‘red flags’? Which ones am I denying, minimizing or ignoring?

• What are my friends and family saying (there is usually some truth in their perceptions)?

• How affectionate can we be in front of my children (this will depend on the developmental stages of your children, as well as your comfort level)?

• What will my children call him/her (also depends on their developmental level, and may change over time)?

• How much input do I want him/her to have in parenting my children?

• How do we integrate him/her into my family, especially if they have their own children?

The list goes on, but this is a start. That said, enjoy this new addition to your life, and all that it brings. Remember that change, even when positive, is often experienced as a loss. You may feel sad, as well as excited, energized, and elated. And that your children are not only their own people (different from each other and you), but are experiencing these changes from a child’s point of view, which is different from an adult perspective.

Nanny Connection is contributed by Leigh Files, a family therapist in the Eugene area.

What a great thing to be thinking and talking about! Here are some thoughts you might want to consider:
We all have a personal space (“bubble”) around us. This bubble helps keep us safe. It lets us decide how close someone can get to us, and they, how close we can get to them. We change the size of our bubble depending on how we feel (happy, sad, mad, scared, etc.) and our relationships with other people. Our bubble is usually smaller with people we know and trust, like our family and friends, and larger with people we don’t know, like strangers. Our bubble usually changes from large to small as we get to know someone (a new friend, classmates, teacher, doctor, counselor, case worker, etc.).

You can help your child learn to respect other people’s personal space by reminding them about their “bubble”. This is the space they take up when they stand with their arms out to their sides, and turn in a circle (for an adult, a circle about 6 feet wide). Everyone has a “bubble” and we need to ask before entering someone’s bubble (“Can I play with you?”) and tell other people when we do not want them in our bubble (“Please leave me alone”). It’s ALWAYS important to respect other people’s bubbles. This includes: stopping an action when someone asks (hitting, pushing, tickling, etc.); leaving when someone asks; being close if we are able (comforting, hugging, back rub, etc.) when someone asks; etc. You can help your child identify their own and other people’s bubbles in different situations – on the playground, waiting in line, playing sports, etc. As the parent, you have the final say about who your child interacts with, and how; and who interacts with your child, and how.

Strangers are people we don’t know (even if we see them on the street every day). Some strangers are safe, some are not. How do we know? It’s hard to help children learn the difference without stereotyping, but here are some suggestions to help them: Most strangers who help us are safe (teachers, doctors and nurses, ministers and priests, team coaches, scout leaders, etc.). Most strangers in uniforms are safe (police officers, letter carriers, military, etc.). Most strangers who work in stores are safe (cashier, bagger, security, customer service, etc). Most strangers who have dirty or ripped clothes or dirty or messy hair are not (homeless people asking for money, teenagers hanging out on the mall, etc.). Most strangers who seem drunk or “high” (can’t walk straight, talk “funny”, smell like alcohol, etc.) are not safe. There are ALWAYS exceptions to this, so please listen to your child! We do not talk to strangers or give them any information about us (name, address, phone, etc.). We do not give things to them or take things from them. We do don’t get in their car or help them “look for their lost puppy”. Your child should always tell a safe adult if a stranger is bothering them.

Hands can help (feed us, hug us, rub our back, etc.) and hands can hurt (push us, hit us, pull our hair, etc.). Touch can feel safe (hugging, being held, comforted, etc.) and touch can feel yucky (being hugged when we don’t want to, being tickled too much or too long, being touched in private places, etc.). ANY time your child feels that touch is yucky, for ANY reason, they need to tell a safe adult. If the first adult they tell doesn’t believe or help them, they need to keep telling until they find an adult who will. It is important to believe your child because children rarely lie about this. Often the effect is worse if your child thinks they will get in trouble if they tell, or the adult doesn’t believe them or doesn’t do anything to keep them safe. It is NEVER your child’s fault if they are touched in yucky ways.

You can help your child (and yourself) feel safer by making a safety plan. What should they do if you are not available to help them? Who do they know that is safe? Who can they go to for help if they feel unsafe (at home, at school, in the neighborhood, in the community)? How do you want them to act if they are around strangers?

I hope this helps as a starting place. Using this as a guide, you will likely be able to teach your children the values and skills you believe are most important. Good luck!

No doubt, these are challenging times, on many levels. This is when I remind myself about impermanence: everything is always changing (although maybe not fast enough or in the ways I would like) and nothing lasts forever!  Being sick can make it harder to appreciate what we do have…a loving family… a roof over our head…food on the table…and that eventually we will even get our health back. Perhaps a good place to start is by asking ourselves – what do the holidays really mean to us, and how we can best enjoy them this year?

For many of us, as adults, we celebrate the holidays the way we did as children; continuing past generation family traditions. Often we don’t stop to think about whether or not the tradition has meaning to us – we just do it because “that’s what mom and grandma did”. The more meaning we put into our holiday celebrations the more we will enjoy them. The meaning may change as our children grow and our families’ health and financial situations change. We may find more meaning in deciding year-to-year how to celebrate.

Infants and toddlers would not even notice if their first Christmas or Hanukah was barely celebrated, or not celebrated at all. Those early years mainly satisfy parents’ and grandparents’ needs. Young children too, may not notice if there are less presents, simpler meals, etc. than last year. What’s important is realizing that parents can relieve the guilt they feel about not being able to provide equal or more extravagant celebrations every year. Older children and adolescents, although more aware of changes, are also more capable of joining in on family discussions, and often come up with very creative ideas on how to make meaning of the holidays. Some ideas might be, not giving gifts at all; each family member only exchanging one gift with one other family member; making gifts instead of buying them; limiting the cost of gifts; giving gifts to families in need rather than to immediate family members; donating to a charity; volunteering; etc.

Although we are often raised to believe the holidays are “fun family times”, for many, they are not. They often are the time when we most experience grief and loss, especially if our life situation changed due to divorce, death, loss of income or employment, housing changes, or health. Acknowledging our feelings rather than ignoring them, can help us work through the sadness so we can experience the joy. Giving words to your children’s feelings (which often come out in their behaviors) can really help. “I can tell by your actions you are angry, let’s talk about it…”  “I miss grandma too. Let’s make a picture of all the things we remember about her…”

So, given your time, energy, and resources this year, what is your vision of the Perfect Holiday? What is your bottom line; the minimum you need to feel satisfied? Where are you willing to compromise? Where are you not? How can you creatively incorporate the needs and wants of your children (and other family members) with your own?

Gently remind yourself that it’s impossible to please everyone, and most of all, what our children really want (and need) most is our love, positive attention, and to spend quality time with them. It’s not (all) about toys or stuff – a little of that never hurts, but more of the aforementioned can go a lot further, for everyone involved.

Homework. The worst part of school for many kids…and parents! Since everything parents do (or don’t) say and do is role-modeling for their children, let’s start with your attitudes and beliefs about school. Do you communicate to your son that learning is fun? This is different than lectures about the importance of getting a high-school diploma. This is about being open-minded and curious about life, and particularly about your son’s life. Do you ask about his school day? Do you inquire about what he is studying? Do you offer help it’s needed? Even if school was hard for you, “acting as if” can be a good reminder to help motivate your son.

Research shows that parental involvement in their children’s school life has a positive effect. This may mean helping out with homework, volunteering in the classroom, and everything in-between. Children are usually proud to have their parents participate in school activities (going on field trips, chaperoning dances, etc.) and that unexpected visit at lunch can both make your child feel special and be an effective way of checking on problematic behaviors.

Let’s assume you are a positive role model, and homework is still problematic. Here’s a little hint: Kids can’t argue with their parents if their parents don’t argue back. When you argue with your child, you are stooping to their level; which is as if there are two children in the house and no adult to supervise. Not a good combination!

When you continue arguing you are also role-modeling that arguing is acceptable, which it isn’t. Easier said than done, but disengaging is the best way to stop the argument. It is impossible to argue with someone who is not in the same physical space. Walk away: go in your room, lock yourself in the bathroom, go out and sit in the car, go for a walk. The magic words, “And if you continue arguing with me there will be a consequence” can be very effective in helping your son think before he talks.

Now let’s assume you no longer engage in power struggles, but homework is still an issue. What part of homework is still “the problem”? Doing it, turning it in on time, or both? The biggest challenge I see with children transitioning from elementary school to middle school is homework. In middle school it becomes very important to not only do your homework but turn it in on time. Capable students have failed classes just because they haven’t turned in their homework. I remind them that it doesn’t count unless it is turned in on time.

To gain some organization around this processes – First your son needs to know his homework assignments and when they are due. Next he needs to bring his homework home every night (with the necessary books, etc.) and complete it. Then he needs to turn it in, on time. Where he is struggling most in this sequence may determine how best to help.

Does he lack organizational skills or not write down assignments? Maybe he needs a planner, and to be taught how to use it.

Does say he doesn’t have homework when he really does? It becomes your job to check his backpack/binder every day.

Do you have a predictable after school routine that includes doing home work? Most families follow something similar to: snack, homework, chores, and then free time if there is any time left. Homework is a requirement; free time is a privilege!

Does he say he doesn’t understand how to do his homework? Maybe he needs extra help – although daily homework (not reports or special projects) is usually a review of that day’s class work.

Are you willing to sit with him, assess his level of understanding, and help him as necessary? Does he do his work but not turn it in?

Most middle schools have an internal system of “homework checks and balances” where the student writes his assignments, the teacher checks his planner for accuracy, the parent signs off when the homework is complete, the teacher does the same when it is turned in, and the documentation is returned to the parent. Most middle-schoolers dislike this structure because it brings attention to them; but it can be very effective.

Equally effective can be an incentive program, where your son can earn daily points, stars, stickers (depending on age) for bringing his homework home, doing it and turning it in on time. These can add up to something larger on a weekly or monthly basis. Perhaps there is something (an item or activity) that is so important to your son that he is willing to do his home work so he doesn’t lose the privilege or he is able to earn more of the privilege by doing his homework. Some children are more responsive to earning programs, while others to losing privileges. Most important is to be consistent, and if your son is earning privileges, he only earns… You don’t take them away no matter how frustrated you get!

In some cases homework is a problem due to learning difficulties. Believe it or not, very bright children who are not adequately challenged may easily become bored and apathetic. “Homework is boring” may mean “This is too easy” or “Why should I do it if I already know the answer?”

Also, your son may have a learning disability, vision or hearing problem, or other disability which has not yet been diagnosed and affects his success in school. Having him evaluated by your pediatrician, the school, or a local counseling agency may reveal the problem, which when successfully treated could remedy the homework problem.

Hopefully you can make the necessary changes so you and your son can have an enjoyable and successful school year. Good luck!

What a wonderful thing to be thinking about as summer approaches! You are not alone in your dilemma. Congratulations for not wanting to pass on your fears on to your children.

Most children seem to come into the world either loving the water or fearing it. The fear does not have to be “inherited” from family members or the result of a traumatic experience though. Water has a different feel… The sensation on our skin, and body as a whole, is different than anything else we experience. In water we are buoyant, which can be freeing or feel like lack of control. Children also can easily pick up on your verbal and non-verbal reactions to water.

The most important thing to accept is, your own relationship with water, as well as your children’s. Do your best not to judge their limitations, and at the same time see if you can expand them. Children will learn in their own way and time, whether math, reading or swimming! Water is known to be healing, and being in water can be therapeutic. Children who enjoy the water often spend hours playing, making up all sorts of games, and most of all using up LOTS of energy!

Water safety is especially important, since children can find themselves around water often – when fishing, boating, camping and with family or friends. The more comfortable (less afraid) they are, the better chance they will not panic and be able to make smart choices should there be an accident. Regardless of whether or not your children get comfortable enough to be in the water, they should know how to be safe around water.

That said exposing infants and young child to water starts with baths. Making bath time relaxing, pleasurable, and fun is a good beginning for them. Parents may choose to take their infants in the shower/bath with them so it becomes a shared experience. Some parents learn on their own that their children are calmer and more relaxed after a bath, and use it to help them relax when they get upset, wound up, or over stimulated. Children who are comfortable in the tub but not the pool, can play in a bath tub of cool water in the summer. Some families even make their hot tub into a “cold tub” during the summer months!

If children are old enough to bathe themselves, close supervision is recommended, as bath tubs can be slippery and children can drown in just a few inches of water. Young children may prefer to begin with a water table (similar to a sand tray/box), which can be a dish pan or sink of warm water. They can get their hands and arms wet playing with kitchen implements as well as water toys, but not immerse their bodies. Adding soap bubbles or food coloring can increase their fun. Setting up a hose, sprinkler, Slip N’ Slide or wading pool are other ways to expose young children to water that may feel safer than being in deeper water. As a precaution, always remember flotation devices, life jackets, and sun screen.

As children grow, swimming lessons are a good next-step. Depending on your comfort level and skill in the water, you may choose to teach them yourself or decide on professional lessons through Parks and Recreation, the YMCA, etc. Once you or your child decide on professional lessons, it is best to keep the commitment, even if your child “doesn’t like it” or “doesn’t feel like it”. This teaches the importance of commitment, trying new things, getting out of their comfort zones, etc.

An advantage of professional lessons is the swimming teacher is trained to deal effectively with reluctant swimmers, and you can enjoy being the proud parent for every success they experience. Even if troublesome at first, it can be very rewarding and empowering for your youngster if you both persevere.

Remember, even if your young child is terrified of the water now, they could grow up to be a Life Guard (it happened to me!). Have a safe and enjoyable summer. Stay cool by or in the water!

Because time-outs can be an integral part to any discipline program, I think it is beneficial to re-visit this periodically. As with most parenting strategies, there is no “one way” that fits all children. The most effective parents are willing to think outside the box and use strategies that work for their children. This may mean that all the children in the same family are not on the same behavior plan.

My preference is to limit time-outs to safety issues (physical aggression; harm to self, others, personal property; etc.); and rely on logical consequences for everything else. This is because time-outs can become ineffective if it is the only decipline, and used starting when a child is a toddler. Also because logical consequences tend to put the responsibility back on the child: “Would I rather do what mom wants and not have a consequence (or have the positive consequence of her being pleased with me) or would I rather do what I want and have a consequence?”

The hope is that we (as adults) are preparing our children for real adult life, which operates mostly on logical consequences… i.e. If I go to work every day I will likely keep my job, and have enough money to live on – maybe even get a raise or promotion. If I am late, don’t call in, or go to work, I will likely lose my job and not be able to support myself. If I drive the speed limit I will likely not get a ticket. If I don’t, I may. If I get too many tickets I may lose my license, and so on.

A time-out means your child’s behaviors are such that they have lost the privilege of being with the rest of the family. Therefore, they are taking “time out” from interpersonal contact. It is best to have a place designated as the time-out area. I prefer the child’s bedroom, as there is a door that can be closed (and held shut) if needed. Some families use the bottom step, a corner of the kitchen or living room, or a chair that can be moved to an available space. When in the community, time-outs can be done in the car, by the side of the shopping cart, outside the restaurant, etc.

Time-outs should be “not fun” and should also be boring. It is not a time to play (even with the family pet), watch TV, or engage with family members. The more boring time-outs are, hopefully the more motivated your child will be to make choices that do not result in time-out. With older children, grounding is more appropriate and effective than time-out. Grounding is basically a long time-out, and should also be boring and not include privileges.

What is your child really losing if they have to stay inside all day, but have access to all their electronics, TV and telephone? My recommendation is that being grounded means to their room, with no privileges (phone, music, computer, TV, video games, etc). They can read, journal or sleep. They can come out for school and meals, and go back in until they are done. If being grounded is boring enough, it should help your child think before acting!

It is important that your child knows why they are being grounded or going to time-out. Give them the choice of following your directions or otherwise discipline. If they do not comply, give them the choice of taking themselves to time out, or having you “help” (escort) them. If they can be quiet and stay I their room, their door stays open. If not, you hold it shut. This is inconvenient, because you are not available to do other things, but is can be so effective, that it only takes a few times before time-outs go smoothly. If your child tests the time out tests (calling from their room, coming out of their room, etc.), is important that you follow through the first time and return them.

While on the way to time out and while in time-out, there should be no eye contact or voice contact. Do not directly look at them; although you can use your peripheral vision to be sure they are safe. Likewise, do not talk to them. Children will try to get your attention and distract you by needing a drink, having to go to the bathroom, etc. Time-out starts once they are calm. If your child is tantrumming for 15 minutes, their time-out starts after they have stopped. Every time they start up again or try to leave time-out, their time starts over. If they break anything out of anger, it goes in the garbage and is not replaced. If they damage the physical space, depending on the extent of the damage and their age, they can help pay for and/or repair the damage. Time-outs usually last one minute for every year the child is old.

Some parents prefer to talk with their child when they come out of time-out to ask them why they went to time-out and what they will do differently now. This may or may not be helpful given the age and temperament of your child. Experiment and see what works best. What works today may also stop working in the future. Part of effective discipline is always staying a few steps ahead of your child!

Another version of the time-out procedure is giving yourself a time-out when you need it. Taking space for yourself BEFORE you explode can be significant role modeling for your children. If you are raising your voice or nagging your children, you are working too hard. You have much better things to do with your time and energy! Take some space, which may mean locking yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes, and find ways to calm your self and feel more in balance.

Using time-outs in a preventative way can be effective with your children as well. Suggesting that your child go to their room (or the basement, outside, etc) to “chill”, relax, or take some deep breaths can help them learn an important coping skill that they will be able to use the rest of their life.