It’s a big day for Jane and her 10-year-old twin daughters, Chloe and Sara. The girls have been asking all summer whether they can walk to the playground alone and today, because their friend Megan is with them—and Megan, at 12, is allowed to walk to the playground alone—Jane has finally said yes.

Jane quizzes the girls: “What do you do if someone approaches you on your way to the playground? “What do you do if your sister gets hurt? What if there’s someone there who is drinking or using bad language?”

After answering all the questions to Jane’s satisfaction, they can go—but only if they promise to check in on their walkie-talkies once they arrive. “We know all of the rules, Mom,” says Sara. “We’ve been over them a thousand times. Don’t worry.”

As the girls skip merrily down the street with Megan, Jane wonders if the walkie-talkies were a bit over the top. “There are so many scary stories in the media, and sometimes it’s hard to know how much is too much,” she says. “But I know that someday I’ll have to let them go.”

Only ten minutes later, Chloe calls, crying, on the walkie-talkie. “On the way over we started talking about what we’d do, and Sara wants to play on the swings with Megan but I wanted to play kickball,” Chloe says. “We can’t agree. Can you come over and help us sort it out?” And she does, wondering what she should have done differently.

Across town, an admissions counselor picks up the telephone. Again it’s Mrs. Reis, who wants to talk about her son’s schedule. “I’m worried that his classes will be too early in the day and he won’t do well. He’s not a morning person,” she says. The admissions counselor is careful not to promise anything as she assures Mrs. Reis that her son will be able to create a reasonable schedule during orientation.

It’s been called “Helicopter Parenting” and simply “Over-parenting,” this often fear-based effort to keep children from harm and minimize their problems, and it’s not considered an effective way to raise responsible adults.

“Fear is a kind of parenting fungus: invisible, insidious, perfectly designed to decompose your peace of mind,” author Nancy Gibb noted in a recent Time magazine article “The Growing Backlash against Over-parenting,” which argues that perhaps the same impetus that created “Kinderkords” might also contribute to over-programming and kids who are under far too much pressure to succeed, who arrive at college unable to make decisions for themselves or ready to crack at the slightest pressure. We need to back off a bit, while at the same time giving them the tools they need to solve their own problems.

Building a foundation for success

Opportunities to teach our children to deal with problem situations and build confidence in navigating the world begin in early childhood, when, for example, two children argue over a toy. In elementary school, the problems become a bit more complex, for example a disagreement with a friend on the playground or even a decision between two equally desirable after-school activities.

Rachel Jochem, M.S., a PhD Candidate in Human Development who specializes in parenting and children’s emotional development, notes that the temptation for parents is to give children solutions rather than let them struggle (or wait for them to struggle) with developing them on their own. But it’s worth the time it takes to do it.

“When we allow children to develop their own strategies, we show them that we trust them, and that we have confidence in them,” she says. “Later, in reviewing the decision, we can build on that trust and confidence by acknowledging the good decisions, and by offering alternatives for next time when decisions were not so good.”

The steps we teach our children for problem solving are the same ones that we use every day as adults, Jochem says. “The trick is to meet the child’s ability to engage in the process with our own support and guidance.”

The basic steps for problem solving Jochem provides are as follows:

1. identify the problem (“what’s happening here?”)
2. brainstorm options and ideas
3. consider the consequences
4. choose a solution and go with it
5. consider the success of your choice

Children at different ages will deal with these steps differently, she notes. Younger children will depend on adults to articulate another’s perspective—and help them develop the empathy that is critical to conflict resolution—but as children age into elementary and middle school years, parents should encourage children to articulate these things themselves. “Taking the truck from Johnny made him cry, I think he is upset” shifts to “How does your sister feel when you skip her turn?” and the all important “Why do you think she feels that way?””

In addition to modeling positive problem-solving behavior, Jochem offers a few suggestions for ensuring that children will make good decisions.

–Build their sense of self esteem and self respect by listening to them and acknowledging their perspectives (even if they are different from yours!).
–Give them opportunities to voice their opinions about decisions involving themselves and the family.
–Get them involved in household decisions around things like curfews or chores. “Not only will this demonstrate your respect for their opinions, it will encourage engagement in the family which in turn helps them make decisions that take more than themselves into consideration.”
– Let them make mistakes, and show them unconditional love when they need your comfort because they chose the wrong thing (resist “I told you so!).

Teen Talk

If raising younger kids wasn’t enough to make our hair turn white, then they become teenagers.

The decisions teenagers are faced with are enough to make even the most confident parent overdo it, Jochem acknowledges. Teenagers “…are going to do things you don’t like, they are going to make choices you wouldn’t and they are not going to be you. By and large, your job is to cope and love them all the way through it. Their choices are going to feel more critical, because they are no longer focused on whose turn it is on the computer, rather they are going to be deciding which boy to spend the afternoon with. This adds an element of terror to parenting which may cause parents to want to clamp down tighter, limiting their teen’s ability to make decisions.”

While this approach may help parents feel in control in the short run, Jochem says that in the long run, tightening the reigns may cause teens to push harder against their parents, making choices that they know their parents won’t approve of in an effort to reassert themselves. “During this time, as hard as it is, it is essential for parents to continue to let teens have the space and freedom to make their own decisions,” she advises.

That doesn’t mean that parents should adopt an “anything goes” attitude once their children are old enough to leave home unsupervised, of course. As with all ages, parents need to model good behavior and provide guidance when needed—it’s just that they need to be a little less overt about it—save the speeches and lectures for another audience.

“Parents need to take advantage of times when their teens are receptive to them. When teens approach you wanting to talk, seize the opportunity and listen to what they have to say. Ask them their thoughts, and whether they have a plan, rather than outlining your own. Teens sometimes feel as though they have no options, and parents can be essential for helping them come up with alternatives. When talking about how things have gone wrong, be honest about the foolishness of their choices, but before judging them, remember how foolish your choices can be sometimes as well. They are learning to be adults, just like all of us are, every day.”

“With teens, it is even more critical that they feel that you trust and respect them,” she adds. “Teens thrive on respect, and you have to give it in order to get it.”

You must remember this

It sounds like common sense, but Jochem offers some important words of wisdom for parents (and children of any age):

“Decision-making is a lifelong endeavor and shouldn’t be viewed as a solitary struggle. We try to make the right decisions throughout our lives. We depend on friends and family to help us gain perspective and give us strength to implement the tough choices. Just as our toddler needs us to help them disengage from a toy and get ready to leave for the market, or give up the desire for the sweet treat and eat some veggies, adults need help letting go of what is easy in place of what is right, and eating a salad instead of a donut.

“As coaches for burgeoning decision makers, we may feel like frauds, wondering, “how can I help someone make a decision, when I hardly know what to do with myself?!” Forgive your children’s bad choices as you forgive your own. Encourage your children to learn from their mistakes as our friends encourage us to learn from our own. Give your children credit for their good choices as you praise yourself for yours. Help them recognize when they do need help, and give them permission to ask for it. Asking for help when you need it isn’t weakness. It takes a lot of strength to realize and admit that you can’t make all the right choices on your own, all the time.”

by Zanne Miller

Just about every busy mom knows one or two of these moms, makes the comparison, and may feel like she could and should do more. The question is, should she be doing more? According to all the balance, multi-tasking, organizing, time management, and scheduling information out there, the answer is yes. During the last forty to fifty years the role of women, wives, and mothers has evolved into a more than full-time job. In fact, many women can realistically say they have more than two full-time jobs when employment, motherhood, and household manager all come into play – even if they only work on a part-time basis for an employer, or are self-employed in some capacity and still don’t manage to get it all done. In the process women are more stressed out, eating poorer, depressed, fatigued, and overwhelmed than ever.

Research shows heart disease is the leading cause of death in women. Forty to fifty years ago, it used to be the leading cause of death in men. However, as working moms have taken on more of a role in the financial contributions of the household, and stay at home moms allow dads to focus on their work –knowing mom will handle the kids and all of their needs, they’ve taken some of the pressure off of their spouses. In addition, research also shows that spending time with loved ones in an environment where fun is shared is quite therapeutic. In two parent homes, with women contributing greater, or equally to the family coffers, and handling more of the formerly traditional male household responsibilities like financial planning, lawn/garden maintenance, home remodeling and repairs, etc., men are able to spend larger quantities of their free time with their families. The effects are a better quality of life – for them. How does this translate for moms? The quest for Super Mom status needs to go by the wayside. There needs to be more balance in their lives; not between work and family, office and home life, but between work of all types and totally free downtime. In essence, there is something to be said for NOT getting it all done!

Taking Care of the Important Stuff
What are the ramifications of not getting it all done? Will the world stop revolving, will the household fall apart, will the other mother’s all gasp in horror? No. Maybe, and possibly! The hardest part will be to let the floor go un-mopped until Wednesday, instead of mopping daily, cooking a few meals on the weekend and having leftovers instead of cooking each night, having the family help out more each day instead of doing everything for them. The key will be learning to accept your new non-Super Mom status and embracing this lifestyle change. The upside is, your sanity will in time be restored, your level of fatigue will eventually decrease, and you will have more time to enjoy your family – in all of their imperfect glory.

Life’s Lessons
Not only will you free yourself from the quest for perfectionism, but you will teach your family valuable life skills in the process. Children will learn to become self-sufficient. If a child never learns how to make a bed properly, do laundry the correct way, or how to cook, there’s an overwhelming chance that as an adult they won’t have these skills either. Thus, their dorm mates, roommates, spouses, etc. will have to teach them, clean up after them, or nag them. You’ll be saving them from grief down the road. Do you remember how good it feels master a task yourself? You’ll be providing them with a chance to build self-esteem. In addition, you’ll be providing your children with the greatest gift you can, the gift of time with you when you’re not stressed out, rushed, short-tempered, and can be relaxed and present. Not only will you provide them with true quality time, but lasting memories, and a strong foundation upon which to model their own parenting behaviors.

Putting the Not Getting It All Done Plan into Action
The way to do this is not to squeeze more things into shorter time periods or organize better, the solution is to start crossing nonessentials off the to-do lists. If it’s not important, crucial, etc. let it go! Learn to be okay with not accomplishing every detail yourself.

Moms would have an easier time if they remembered the secret of successful entrepreneurs – delegation. Once the non-essentials are removed, review the remaining list and start delegating tasks, chores, and responsibilities. Not only should appropriate tasks be delegated to family members, but jobs that can be handled by others should be farmed out as well. Not only does this mean humans, but if possible use automation to make your life easier. Can you pay bills online, schedule home pick-up for parcels, or have groceries ordered and delivered? If so, use the tools available to make life easier.

Determine how much time you have in a day and how much time you have available to accomplish your tasks. Don’t over schedule yourself. No one likes to see a list of 20 items that must be done in one hour. (Talk about creating a self-fulfilling prophecy for failure and unnecessary urgency!) Choose 3 – 5 things that are critical and reschedule the rest as crucial items if/when they are needed on another day, or someone else’s to-do list. Too many things are deemed necessary when they are merely wishlist items.

Go back to the paper and pen or dry erase board on the refrigerator for grocery lists and other store purchased items and rely on technology less. The cell phone is a blessing and a curse. Eliminate daily stops to the grocery store, by asking not to be called to pick up items on the way home, unless dire, like toilet paper! If it’s not on the list, it can be added for the next week’s excursions. How much valuable time would you be able to salvage by eliminating unscheduled trips each week?

The most important thing is to learn how to say no. If it doesn’t fit into your schedule, it will make a schedule too tight to accomplish your goals, or will simply make you harried – say NO! Helping out is a noble endeavor, but if it sacrifices your quality of life, jeopardizes your health, or negatively impacts your short and/or long term goals is it worth it? Be truthful, ask if there is someone else who can do it in your stead, suggest someone you know who may have time (after conversing with them), or simply decline if you can’t do it and don’t feel guilty about it. Guilt is almost as bad as stress on the body and the goal is to create a better quality of life by de-stressing and finding time for you.

The key is to lighten the load to allow for more downtime for mom. Shed the “Super Mom” cape and recapture time for self. Learn to accept the fact that you are one person with the same 24 hours available as everyone else each day. It is no longer acceptable to fill each hour of the day with activities that drain the soul and do nothing to recharge, stimulate, or soothe the mind, body, and spirit. In the end, learning to let go and accept not get it all done is a way to better plan, organize, and delegate the musts, and a way to help others in your life learn how to become independent and self-sufficient. It’s a way to reclaim time for self, which will make for a more relaxed and healthier you. Don’t you think it’s time for a positive change? Imagine the possibilities!

Kim Green-Spangler is a freelance writer, columnist, blogger, budding author, wife and mother. She has written hundreds of articles for various websites on topics specific to women and moms, exercise enthusiasts, small and home-based business owners and homeschoolers. She can be contacted at www. justwrite4u.com.

Figuring out what to do with one child for the summer (sleepaway camp or day camp? Tutoring or no? How to afford extra childcare?) can increase a parent’s stress level. Multiply that times two (or three, or four) for some parents, and you’ve got a major crisis on your hands. For parents who are fortunate to have flexible employment or one parent who stays at home, there are other challenges—such as “what am I going to do with all of these kids all day?” Either way, once that final school bell rings, siblings who are normally in different classrooms or at different after-school activities suddenly come together, which can change the family dynamic, intensifying sibling relationships for better or for worse.

“Our family dynamic does seem to change in the summer,” says Claire, mom to Ben (8) and Jordan (5). “With the boys getting more time together, there is more laughter—and also more tears. [They] play pretty well together, and I’d say that their friendship and love/hate relationship definitely intensifies when they spend [more time together].”

“The children definitely play more together in the summer—but not exactly by choice,” says Jane, mom to five girls, ages 3 to 17. “The stress levels decrease for awhile in the beginning of the summer when all of the school craziness is over. They enjoy sleeping in for a while and going to the pool. Then the togetherness starts to get to them. I will say for sure that by the second week in August, they are all ready to go back to school.”

That’s not the case for all families, however. Hillary, a teacher in Ketchikan, Alaska, says she is more relaxed during the summer—and that transforms her family dynamic for the better, even while spending long hours in the car together on their annual car trip from Alaska to Oregon. “During the school year, I find that I don’t have a lot of patience with those who I love at home because that is the ONLY place I feel I am allowed to let my hair down without being judged as a teacher,” she says. On the trip, “we are all very happy, and excited as we discover new places and things…I have realized that the teasing incidents between my 3 and 5 year old are greatly decreased and meltdowns are at a minimum. It could be that I am more relaxed and they are adjusting themselves as well. I find that my husband and I are kinder and laugh more with each other. We all seem to work together more and are up for a new adventure everyday. Makes me wish we could always be on summer vacation.”

Heidi, who has three girls, ages 9, 7 and 5, agrees. “It’s the best time of year for our girls in terms of us getting along.”

To ensure that summer is memorable—for good reasons—there are certain things that parents should remember, says Heidi Peterson. Peterson, a childcare site director for the Eugene YMCA as well as an assistant camp director at Camp Arrowhead in Stevenson, Washington, acknowledges that, while the specific issues differ family-by-family, sibling dynamics can present a challenge during those lazy, hazy days. But it doesn’t have to be that way, she says.

Considering each child’s needs—as well as the parents’ needs—is key.

“One thing I’ve seen really successful parents do where camps or activities are concerned is to decide on a few options that work for them (the parents) and then give the kids the choice.” Summer camps that offer a variety of activities—from sports to art to horseback riding—are a good fit for many parents who have multiple children. “The kids have different choices – for the parents, it’s still one drop-off and one pickup.” With siblings who are close in age, “sometimes parents assume their children’s interests are the same—or different,” says Peterson. “Yes, of course you know your child, but nine times out of ten they’ll surprise you.”

Plan adventures that everyone will enjoy
A day trip to OMSI, or even a trip to the local pool or the library, can be fun for everyone in the whole family. Ask your children what they would like to do. Keep a list. Brainstorm ways that the entire family can participate. This is true on vacations as well—rotate restaurant and pit-stop choices so that everyone feels they’ve had a say in the planning.

Call in reinforcements. Family friends can work together to coordinate age-appropriate activities (or even simply play dates), so that the kids are not “stuck together” all summer. This can also help solve the childcare question for working families, with working parents trading days. And, on family vacations, when possible, Peterson suggests having each child bring a friend close in age along for the ride—“so that the kids have someone their own age to bounce off of and not get on each other’s nerves.”

Not all families can afford several weeks of camp for multiple children, plus a family vacation—in fact, some budgets are so limited that sibling tension just increases already existing stress. Calling on friends to brainstorm solutions (e.g., a stay at home parent can provide childcare, while a working parent can, in exchange, kick in the funds for a pizza or a day out) can help.

Mix it up: Although she mostly stays home with her boys, Claire says she tries to schedule a couple weeks of camp part-way through the summer to give her sons a chance to have more structured time with kids their own age. “They don’t do camps together, largely because of the age difference, but also because of separate interests. This summer, Ben will do a two-week performing arts camp and Jordan will do a couple weeks of Sports-O-Rama.”

Find ways to foster sibling relationships—and teachable moments.
For a nine year old girl, for example, there’s a big difference between being told to entertain her five year-old brother and being given the grown-up responsibility of showing the younger one a skill she has mastered, such as tying shoes or riding a scooter. Challenge your children to choose one skill they’d like to pass on to a younger sibling this summer. Or brainstorm projects the whole family can do together while working at respective skill levels—e.g., painting a mural on one wall of the garage or learning to bake bread. Ask older siblings to take the younger ones on a field trip to a favorite park (but tread lightly here—see below). Finding new ways to interact that take advantage of summer’s slower pace might open doors to lifelong connections among siblings.

The Childcare Question

Most teens and tweens naturally expect the summer to be “their time.” And rightly so. “A lot of parents encourage—or even direct—older siblings to watch the younger ones,” Peterson says. “I have seen a lot of disastrous choices where a parent looks to an older sibling for childcare.”

It’s not a disaster until it becomes a habit or an unspoken expectation, Peterson says. If relying on older siblings for childcare, parents should be very clear about the parameters—including payment, if any—and be sure to provide time for them to do their own thing. Otherwise, resentment and additional conflict can grow. Hiring an outside sitter or even friends of older siblings frees the older ones to choose. An adult babysitter can watch everyone (without the older siblings realizing they are being watched).

When conflicts do arise (during summertime or anytime), it’s important to let everyone be heard, Peterson says. “Never decide anything until all sides of the story have been told,” she says. “This is always important, but especially in summertime, when everyone’s been on top of each other and tensions are high.”

And remember that summer (like childhood), is all too brief. Says Claire: “Though I usually both look forward to and dread summer, I am always surprised by how quickly it goes by.”

Contributed by Zanne Miller

Don’t tell your teens this, but their brains aren’t fully developed. The part of the brain that’s used for reasoning and controlling impulses doesn’t fully mature until we’re in our mid-20s. That means, as parents fully understand, that teens (and the younger tweens) behave impetuously and tend make bad decisions.

Teens also have an immature sense of responsibility and the consequences of their decisions. Research shows that their brains are much more emotionally driven than an adult brain, making them more susceptible to peer pressure and outside influences.

Laurence Steinberg, a professor of psychology at Temple University, describes the teenage brain this way: “[it’s] like a car with a good accelerator but a weak brake. With powerful impulses under poor control, the likely result is a crash.”

The number of channels and the amount of information to which teens have access is mind-boggling. Not only can they consume endless amounts of information, but these channels create unprecedented opportunity to explore, rebel and push up against boundaries as young people create their own identities.

What once occurred offline – that journey that we all went on to define ourselves at that age—is now visible and permanent, recorded on the web. This can be unnerving, but also highlights three potential obstacles for parents:

1. Because social networks and online sites are not necessarily intuitive for parents, parents don’t always understand the media their kids are participating in.
2. Teen behaviors and their norms are different than their parents (aren’t they always?)
3. Teens’ behavior, thoughts, images and activities are on display and instantly accessible by, well… anyone.

The Lay of the Land

It’s important to understand where your teen is spending his or her time online. For many parents, this may mean becoming more familiar with how the sites specifically, and the Internet generally, work. The most popular sites for teens are MySpace and Facebook. Lots of teens also participate in online gaming (though Xbox, Wii or PS2), post and view videos on YouTube and are prolific text messagers. Facebook, however, continues to grow in popularity as MySpace continues to fall.

Facebook 101

If Facebook were a country, it would be the third largest country in the world. Each of its 400 million users, most of whom access the site regularly, has a profile. This profile serves the crux for all Facebook activities. With a profile, you can become “friends” with other people who have profiles and participate in communities on the site.

The basic activity for most Facebook users is to share status updates. Facebook asks the question – “what’s on your mind?” People share ideas, activities, interests, inane banter, links, videos and plenty more.

Each profile owner can also interact with others to whom you’re connect as “friends.” A user can“like” a friend’s status (give it a thumbs up), comment on a status update, send gifts and also send private messages. Facebook also allows users to post photos and videos.

With a profile, you can also “like” businesses, brands, groups or even seemingly nebulous (and often very silly) associations around things like: “People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die” (110,000+ fans) or “’Mom, can we go?” “Yeah, just a second” *10 minutes later* “MOM…’” (with 750,000+ fans)

• Facebook has adjustable privacy settings that allow the user to adjust who can see his or her content. However, the default settings are very permissive.
• Regardless of privacy settings, anyone and everyone is able to view the profile picture, likes and interests and friends list.

Setting the Rules

Rita Radostitz, a single mom of 13-year-old twin girls in Eugene, Ore., said that setting clear expectations and having an open dialogue has helped her daughters learn how to appropriately use Facebook.

“I am not only their “friend” on Facebook,” she said. “I also have the passwords to their accounts and total control over the privacy settings, which are set to be as restrictive as Facebook will allow.”

Rita also reads all their posts and comments and takes down those that are inappropriate. “That’s only happened once or twice,” she added. “When it does, the result is the loss of Facebook privileges for a week.”

Bil Morrill of Cottage Grove, Ore. added that computer use is a privilege for his three daughters, ages 9 to 15. “Our kids can use the computer if Mom and Dad aren’t home, but not the Internet,” he said.

Many parents echo the Morill’s rule adding that any use takes place in the family room or other common space in the house rather than in a bedroom.

Dixie Bender, mom of three boys (all tweens and teens) in Monroe, Wash., added, “We have a rule that if any of the boys signs up for any sites, they are to let us know and give us the password. It keeps them honest—they don’t want to lose their computer time.”

The Radostitz’ also talk about what is safe to share online and what is not. Helping your kids understand the three big areas of risk will help them recognize potential issues. iKeepSafe.org suggests that the risks of online participation can be put in three categories:

Inappropriate Contact –Teach kids how to recognize and protect themselves against contact with cyber-bullies, hackers, phishers, and predators. People aren’t always who they say they are. Kids should know how to keep away from Internet strangers: The Internet is not a place to meet new people.

Inappropriate Content – This includes both content that is viewed and content that is uploaded by kids. Help kids understand that the Internet is forever: everything they post online is tracked and stored and will follow them to future job interviews and college entrance interviews.

Inappropriate Conduct – Because the web environment can feel anonymous, some youth become disinhibited. Teach kids that the Internet is a public forum: anonymity is a myth. Help them be the good person online that they are when they’re off line.

R U 4 Real?

Texting is the preferred mode of communication for teens, with the average teens sending more than 50 text messages a day (one-third send more than 100 a day). But texting can also be a gateway to bullying, sharing inappropriate content (like sexting) and disclosing private information. In fact, in recent cyber-bullying cases in the news all had a text messaging aspect – with the bullies sending harassing text messages to their victims.

With cell phones also providing access to the Web and online content, it’s important to set guidelines with your teens about how to text and use their cell phone responsibly.

• Consider time or situation limits on texting – maybe limited to an hour a day or not at the dinner table. It’s also crucial to emphasize that your teen should never be texting while driving.
• Review your teens message logs regularly. Understand how your teen’s phone works and check in regularly to ensure messages are appropriate.
• Never reply to text messages from people you don’t know and don’t share your cell phone number. Learn how to block numbers from your phone and remember that private information should never be shared via cell phone.
• Talk to your teen about sending inappropriate photos via text message (sexting). Remind him or her that once a picture is sent, how it’s distributed is out of their control. Imagine that photo on Facebook, or being forwarded by the receiver to friends as a “joke.”

Keep in Touch

Parents who have a presence in the online world of their kids will be seen at different times as role model, enemy, powers-that-be, teacher and intruder. In order to keep them safe, parents need to reconcile this, set guidelines and learn the tools.

Remain aware of what’s happening in their online world. Regular check-ins, reviewing accounts and browser history and communicating (whether they like it or not) will allow you to keep one foot on the brake in your teen’s online life until they really are ready to drive the car on their own.

***
Kelli Matthews is an instructor of social media and public relations at the University of Oregon. Her son is just four, but can navigate her iPhone like a digital native. She’s certain that his tween and teenage years will keep her on her toes.

Additional Resources

Video tutorials on social networks and safety

Wired Safety says it’s the world’s largest resource for online safety with lots of tips, videos and tutorials.

8 Ways to Protect Your Kids on Social Networks from Consumer Reports

For teens, NetSmart Teens has videos, games and tips.

Tips for parents from Safe Families.

Except this: When she’s at home with Susan at night, she sticks to her like glue. “She’s afraid to go anywhere in the house alone, even though we’ve lived there for four years,” Susan says. Routine tasks, like taking out the trash, can become cumbersome. And bedtime rituals take hours. Susan often falls asleep on her own bed with her child after giving up on negotiations to have Kylie go to sleep in the room she shares with her sister. Sleepovers have been thus far out of the question. “Having all the lights on helps, but the fear is still there. This extends to other houses, like her grandparents’ and her dad’s as well.”

Susan is at the end of her rope. “We read two books that focus more on being afraid of the dark, not specifically about being alone in a room. They might have helped… a little. My older daughter had this same fear, but she got over it by the age of 7. Not so far with this child.”

Across town, Keri is negotiating with 4-year-old Meredith, who is close to tears. She hasn’t been willing to use the downstairs bathroom since the toilet flooded six months ago, and she still won’t, even though it has long since been repaired. So Keri waits patiently at the foot of the stairs while Meredith heads upstairs to use the bathroom in her room. They’re running late, again. Keri hopes the restaurant where they are meeting friends doesn’t have automatic flush toilets, or it’s going to be a long night.

Meanwhile, Julia’s father, Joe, has just returned home with a crying 10-year-old daughter and raw nerves after another failed bicycle outing. Although she’s agile and able, Julia refuses to ride her bike across the street. He’s walked her bike across every intersection along with his own, and he’s tired, frustrated, and concerned. “I learned to ride a two-wheeler when I was four years old,” he says. “I don’t understand why she’s so afraid.”

Many parents remember our childhood fears—everything from monsters under the bed, big dogs, and swimming, to bigger fears, such as having a parent die or being sick ourselves. But when these fears emerge in our own children and our parenting skills fail us, we don’t always know what to do.

“Some fears are easy to empathize with, but this one has been hard for me,” admits Susan. “My oldest daughter went through it too but grew out of it by age 7. Not so for this child. I’ve been taught that it’s important to validate a child’s feelings, but there are times that I’ve lost my patience and said, ‘that’s enough. Just go to bed.’ We both go to bed upset. That doesn’t make me feel like a good parent.”

It’s not just your child

Ninety percent of children between ages of 2 and 14 have one specific fear, says Megan A. Wuest, MS, LPA, who works with children and their families at the Center for Family Development and in her own private practice in Eugene, Oregon.

There are common fears specific to age groups, she says. From birth to 2 years old, loud noises, strangers, and separation from parents are the most prevalent. During the preschool years, common fears include imaginary figures, supernatural beings, the dark, noises, sleeping alone, thunder, and floods. School-age children have “more realistic” fears, Wuest says, such as physical injury, health, school performance, death or natural disasters.

Fear v. Anxiety

Fear is a healthy reaction, Wuest says. “Fear is valid, helpful and an immediate response to a dangerous situation. Fear occurs when the danger is happening. Anxiety is when the danger “might be” happening.”

“Anxiety gets in the way or distracts children from their ability to self-soothe themselves,” says Wuest. It robs them of their creativity. They tend to give up too quickly and they don’t recognize their successes. Anxious children have difficulty feeling safe even when they are safe.”

Although only about 1 in 100 children are diagnosed with anxiety disorder, it remains the most prevalent psychiatric disorder in children and adolescents under age 16. There are a number of factors that can contribute to anxiety, says Wuest, including temperament, parent-infant attachment, having a parent with a mental illness, and parenting styles.

“If parents are too laissez-faire, then the child does not have enough structure to feel secure,” Wuest says. “If, in their mind, no one is in control, then they will attempt to take over the parenting role. Because they are children, they will fail and feel inadequate and subsequently, anxious. Parents can prevent this by consistently setting limits with their children so they feel safe. Conversely, parents who are too rigid do not provide enough emotional safety for their children.”

Tips for parents

It’s important for parents to understand that either a child’s past experiences or his or her temperament can make them overly responsive to normal human survival mechanisms. Sometimes this leads to behavior parents find extremely frustrating, such as tantrums or meltdowns. Understanding that a child cannot control these reactions may help parents to remain patient. “In children’s brains, the Amygdala sends out a distracting alarm and takes over their mind and body,” Wuest explains. “While they are experiencing this alarm, they cannot think clearly.”

In dealing with a child’s fears, Wuest says it’s first important to determine whether the child is “in their thinking mind, or has the alarm taken over?”

If they are “alarmed” then reasoning or threatening their child with consequences might only make things worse. In this case, the parents need to help their child deal not with the fear, but with the resulting reaction.

Offer calm and comfort, Wuest suggests. “Parents can become an anchor for their child by staying calm themselves. They become the external, emotional regulator for the child.” Speaking in soft, reassuring tones, and offering physical comfort such as a reassuring touch helps, she says.

Parents also want to reflect to their children that they are capable of overcoming their fears and to do things even if they are scary. For example, if a child is afraid to cross the street on her bike, practice with her the appropriate safety precautions and encourage her to try again (once she is calm), while staying close by. At the next corner, remind her of her success the last time and ask if she’d like to try it by herself. “The basic strategy,” explains Wuest, “is to make the child first feel safe, learn and practice skills to increase their feeling of calm, listen to them and correct any misconceptions they have about the situations and then gradually exposing the child to the feared stimulus until they are no longer immobilized by it. “

Be Creative

In the case of Meredith and the downstairs bathroom, Kerry found that a creative solution—and a lot of patience—helped. “I asked Meredith what we could to get her back in there, because it would just be too hard for her not to use that downstairs bathroom. We ended up working together on a series of drawings with captions to them that we hung up on both bathrooms, and that did the trick. It was her own solution, and I just executed, coaxed and supported her through the process. It was really kind of amazing, as it showed her own power, and the power of drawings — what kids so understand, and the power of creativity in parenting. She still doesn’t much like public automatic flush toilets, and I still need to keep my hand over the sensor to stop it, which I’m glad to do until she outgrows it. But it felt like a major victory getting her to use the downstairs bathroom again after the sewage incident.”

There are bigger fears, of course, such as death or serious illness. Often these are connected to traumas, sexual abuse, or a tragic death, Wuest says.

Know when to seek help

If a child’s fears are creating significant distress or impairment in social, academic or other important areas of the child’s life, or if parents are frustrated to the point that it is negatively impacting the parent-child relationship, then it is time to seek help, Wuest says, adding that untreated anxiety leaves children with an increased risk of developing peer relationship difficulties, academic failure, and could lead to depression or substance use.

In other words, it’s OK (and important) to ask for help. The goals of anxiety therapy described by Wuest are to increase child’s ability to self-sooth and relax; to assess and augment positive coping strategies; to help implement strategies; and to recognize successes and build on them.

Patience Pays Off

After consulting with friends and with his own therapist, Joe realized the solution was to leave his own bike at home for a while and keep his bike trips with Julia short. “We started by going around the block a few times. Because I knew that each intersection was going to require coaching and perhaps walking alongside Julia until she felt confident, it was easier for me to just jog alongside her with her on her bike. We did this for over a month. But once she saw that she could handle herself just fine, she was willing to try a ride to the park—and I took my bike this time. She’s still extra careful at intersections, but I hope that will always be the case.”

Parents that are emotionally close to their children provide them with a secure base that allows the child to feel strong and then take on new challenges. “Play with them, laugh with them, delight in them,” Wuest says. “Reading to them where you can be physically close, relaxed and having fun is powerful too.

“Children internalize their self image from what they read about themselves in their parents’ faces. A child struggling with anxiety is helped when they know that they are safe, they are loved and they are capable of overcoming any obstacles that they may face.”

Written by Zanne Miller.

Resources:

Websites: www.childanxiety.net, www.keepkidshealthy.com, www.a4pt
Books for kids:
A Terrible Thing Happened, Margaret Holmes
Barbar’s Yoga for Elephants, Laurent de Brunhoff
Brave Bart: A Story for Traumatized and Grieving Children, Caroline Sheppard
Jessica and the Wolf: A Story of Children Who Have Bad Dreams by Ted Lobby

Put Your Mouth Where Your Money Is

Explain to children the process your money takes through the different possible scenarios, like a debit card versus a credit card, checks, money orders, etc.
Be clear and explain to them in great detail that you are required to make sure the funds are available in your bank account for debit cards and checks. Help them understand that you will receive a bill at the end of each month for each and every purchase made on your credit card, and you are expected to have the funds to cover it. Also, if you use them, review the concept of money orders and that you have to hand over cold hard cash for someone to issue one to you, before you can send it off to the party who requested it. The majority of younger children will probably not understand these concepts initially, and will need to have them explained more than once.

Show Them the Money

Share your financial picture with your children. Point out when a purchase is made at a store (ideally a purchase for them), and follow up the purchase with a bank statement showing the dollar amount being subtracted from your bank balance for a check or debit purchase, or listed on your credit card statement with the total amount due for the month. Point out that as the consumer you do see your purchases again and are responsible for making sure they are paid. Let them see how the process unfolds.

Teach them the Ropes

Let children assist with the monthly accounting. Despite check book registries, there are a large number of Americans who do not regularly track their bank accounts, and instead rely on bank accounting to keep them informed of their finances. Since banks can, and regularly do make errors, it’s much more practical to let them help you reconcile your checkbook, or update your financial software. Though, showing children how money can be tracked using good old fashioned (read: old-school, before on-line banking)checkbooks each month and actually having them watch an account balance dwindle before their little eyes, could be quite enlightening. Worse, not only do you have to pay the bills, but you have to do the math, balance the checkbook, write out the checks, prepare the envelopes, purchase stamps for them and get them into the mail before their due dates. While walking them through the process, don’t forget to add the insult to injury of late fees.

A Bird in Hand

Have your lesson turn into their reality. Let them open their own bank accounts and make them keep a registry of their deposits, transactions and withdrawals. Be prepared to make this as realistic as possible. If parents have no funds on their person, or in the bank – they cannot use their checkbooks, debit cards or cash. If you want to float them the funds for a month, like a credit card company would, they should be prepared to pay their balance back in full at the end of a month without interest, or have interest accrue on their debt if they cannot pay it off in full. In order to prepare them for the real world, show as much mercy as they will be shown when mommy and daddy are not their bankers. This should be a real eye-opener.
For older children, once the basics have been drilled home and before they are unleashed out into the real world, parents should consider allowing them to open a secured credit card account with a very small balance – if they have a job and can make their payments regularly – without assistance from anyone else. Stipulate that every bill is to be paid off in full each month, so interest does not accrued on the account. While many a young adult has gotten themselves in credit card debt with the issuance of a credit card, the secured card makes it more easily manageable because they can’t spend what they don’t have available. In addition, it helps them understand the concept of paying off a balance to have credit available for future purchases. The first time the bill is not paid off in full and the realization hits that interest is eating up their available monthly credit, could be more educational than anything mom or dad could have explained.
Supplying children with a more solid understanding of finances in this current economic world should not only help them understand the concept, but may even make the lives of parents a little easier. Parents know money really does not grow on trees, magically appear, or is available in never-ending supply (at least not for the majority of the population), but children have no clue. Some of the best lessons are learned through first-hand experiences. Helping children understand the basics while applying the principles, could go a long way towards keeping them financially healthy in the future.

Kim Green-Spangler, B.S. Ed and M.S. Eng, is a freelance writer, wife and mother. Her niche is writing articles pertaining to family life, fitness, parenting and home based businesses.

Rising extra early for lessons or before school practice, followed by a full day of classes, followed directly by after-school activities like football, basketball, softball, or soccer, or shuttled to dance, karate, or voice lessons. After which, home for dinner (or fed “in transit”), then off to finish homework before collapsing into bed. Does this sound familiar? Children are so immersed in activities (social, educational, and developmental), after-school programs, and play dates they don’t have time for anything else. When they squeeze in time for electronics like cell phones, iPods, game systems, and television – their plates are overflowing.

With such a hectic daily existence, it’s no wonder children often voice complaints of “boredom” when they have more than a few moments of free “downtime” on their hands. They’re not being antagonistic; they’re merely treading in unfamiliar water after so much scheduled time. They simply have no idea what to do with a surplus of unscheduled time.

The Truth about Downtime

In today’s society downtime is a luxury. The typical person is accessible to someone the majority of the day – and it’s the accepted norm. Working hours are the worst as the average worker is encouraged to multi-task in order to get it all done. Between the telephone, computer, IM, cell phone, and in-person interruptions, it’s a wonder anything gets accomplished in its entirety. In a study performed by Eric Horvitz, a Microsoft research scientist, it was found that it took the average person fifteen minutes to return to his/her original task each time they were interrupted. The question then becomes – just how effective is multitasking to overall productivity? If each interruption causes a fifteen minute delay, wouldn’t it be more effective to just complete each task before moving to the next one? Most importantly, if it takes an adult with a healthy concept of time management fifteen minutes to get back on track, just how long does it take a child to refocus and get back on task for homework, studying, or chores?

Downtime is something adults typically long for, but don’t really discuss with children. If children were taught by parents to appreciate free-time, perhaps they would better recognize it when it’s presented and better utilize it when they have it.

Downtime is a hot commodity. It allows for regeneration, relaxation, and simply existing without outside stressors. It’s time to plan, reflect, or discuss whatever may be on one’s mind. It’s time that people seem to squander without realizing the potential ramifications. With the increase in the number of individuals plagued by health problems in this country, many of them complicated by or the result of sleep deprivation, it’s surprising that more people are not embracing downtime. Over-stimulation is a large part of the reason why It’s nearly impossible for sleep to occur for so many Americans, children and adults, alike.

Too much fun, too much work, too much studying, too much food, too much of anything – even money (though I’m sure many would like to test this one), is not advantageous to anyone. Downtime should be regarded as the balance to both necessary daily activities and extracurricular activities; not just for children, but for parents too.

The Advantages of Downtime

Multi-tasking has being touted as the wave of the future. In order to complete tasks in the finite amount of time allotted each day, adults are basically required to take on more than one project, household task, etc. simultaneously in order to make a dent in their daily to-dos. To this end, children are being taught to follow suit. In the most recent study conducted by Stanford University, it was found that most children “media multitask”, which is when various media are used simultaneously – like using the computer for homework while instant messaging, playing a video game, and texting. The study found media multitasking to be an unproductive way to complete tasks. Students were more easily distracted when media multitasking and other studies have concluded that young multitaskers, by adulthood, could be less able to focus on tasks requiring detailed concentration. Downtime should increase one’s ability to focus on a single task for the length of time necessary for satisfactory completion.

In fact, working on a single task from start to completion is the optimum way to approach a project. It allows complete focus and the level of attention devoted to details typically results in a quality finished product. In an ideal world it might be feasible to label multi-tasking as an experiment, and abandon it in favor of the “old way” of doing things, but technology has made that impossible. The next best course of action may be to simply teach children to be selective about their time. Showing them (preferably by example) that it’s okay, and even enjoyable, to sit down and do nothing for several minutes/hours each day if they are able. Demonstrating the concept that a balance can be struck between being accessible to everyone, and valuing time devoted to individual pursuits can be a great gift to children.

Boredom is typically the precursor to rest and relaxation. In a society where so many people are dealing with insomnia and poor sleep issues, allowing a little downtime could be the answer. Doctors agree that there are several things that should not be done within a few hours of bedtime – computer use, television, video games, exercise, and anything that basically causes the brain to increase activity. With all of the stimulation bodies receive each day from work, school, technology, etc. it’s no surprise it takes the mind so long to quiet down and for sleep to come. Teach children to use downtime as a tool to help usher in a good night’s sleep.

Bringing Back Downtime

Determine how to free-up time in a busy schedule. Keep activities that are truly important, like tutoring, but discontinue unnecessary ones. If a child is involved in five different activities, perhaps select the two or three he/she is most passionate about and abandon the others.

Let children see you freeing up a busy schedule and notice you actually relaxing during your downtime. Children learn from parents, so lead by example.

Unplug! Turn off the cell phone while driving. Make car time a cell phone/text free zone. It’s a great time to reconnect with the other occupants of the car, or to simply enjoy the scenery. If you’re normally the driver and get the opportunity to be the passenger, it’s amazing what you can uncover on a familiar route when you don’t have to concentrate on the road.

Encourage young children to take a few minutes every few hours, but at least once a day, to just relax by themselves. When left to their own devices, those few minutes often turn into an extended playtime when their imaginations engage them.

If downtime is difficult for some, encourage reading time. It’s a wonderful way to get a child to look forward to downtime, while expanding one’s imagination and unplugging.

Have items on-hand and readily available for curious children to occupy themselves with – should they want to. Is there a piano/keyboard in the house, a library of interesting books, or a drawer of arts and crafts supplies?
Television is a huge time drain. If the average American could recover the hours he/she has spent watching television there would be an overabundance of time available. So, turn off the television, or at least limit the amount of time available for TV viewing.

That little bit of downtime could set the gears in motion for the next world renowned inventor who just needed a few minutes each day to daydream about a future invention while watching clouds take shape in the sky, or watching water flow over a dam, etc. You never know! However, the absence of downtime just may rob the world of potential extraordinary gifts.

If every child has a minimum of an hour a day available for downtime, to focus on a single task – no matter what it is, perhaps they will grow up better able to strike a healthy balance between work and play, and place their personal mental health ahead of accepted norms.

Kim Green-Spangler, B.S. Ed and M.S. Eng, is a freelance writer, wife and mother. Her niche is writing articles pertaining to family life, fitness, parenting and home based businesses.

As the wife of a career Navy man, Jen Galvin of Mountain View, CA, is an old hand at transitions. The Galvins and their three children move every three years or so. She says maintaining communication with the children has helped ease the change from one city to the next. “I talked to them honestly about moving and what good things would happen because of the move,” Galvin says. The recent CA move brought the children closer to their grandparents—a bonus. “We talked about the fact that our family will always stay together and we move together because of Daddy’s job.”

Galvin says she didn’t just put on a happy face and make everything about the move sound great. “We also talked about the things that would be sad about moving so they would be prepared for those feelings as well. We talked about how they would miss their friends and that we could write them and visit, but that it would still be sad. I also told them it was OK to be sad and that I would miss my friends, too.”

Experts say Galvin handled the transition exactly right. Floie J. Stouder, M.A., L.C.S.W., a therapist with Wieland & Assoicates in Fort Wayne, IN, says it’s important to “reassure the child, be sensitive to their fears, concerns and feelings.” Children, like adults, often feel stressed or anxious in coping with change. Helping kids cope with transitions of all sorts is an important skill set for parents.

Shannon Riggs, who is also married to a Navy man, recently moved from Rhode Island to Hawaii in the middle of the school year. “We decided that sticking together as a family was more important than sticking out the rest of the school year,” says Riggs, a mother of two. She opted to homeschool the children during the month-long move across the continent, using space in airports, hotel rooms and automobiles for classroom lessons. This was Riggs’s 11th change-of-station move in 13 years of marriage, and her third-grade daughter’s third elementary school.

However, Riggs says her children handle transition relatively well.

They tend to be close to each other, forming their own internal network and also make friends quickly. Riggs is adaptable to what the children want, too, staying in their new classroom for as long as they want on that difficult first day. “Children are very accepting of newcomers. I’ll never forget how a small crowd of girls encircled my daughter and showed her everything from where to sign in at the class entryway to how far away from the water fountain to stand so that she wouldn’t get her shirt wet. I think some adults could learn a lesson from those wonderful girls!”

Different situations call for different tactics. In the case of a divorce, Stouder says it’s important to reassure children they are loved and aren’t the cause of the divorce. Brette McWhorter Sember, author of The Visitation Handbook: Your Complete Guide to Parenting Apart, says honesty is always the best policy, especially when it comes to visitation appointments. “One of the most important things parents can do to ease transitions is to be honest. Let your child know when he or she will be leaving. Younger children don’t have a good grasp of time, so it can be helpful to offer reminders a few hours before, an hour before and just before the transition time.”

She also advises parents not to use children as go-betweens for messages and information. Don’t utilize the transition time of a visitation to argue or negotiate because it sets a negative climate for the child. Sember offers a few tips for easing visitation issues:

Change the time. For example, if a child comes home from school and then leaves to go to the other parent’s house, try letting the other parent pick up the child earlier from school.

Naptimes. If a transition is scheduled before naptime, change it to after naptime.

Change who is present. For example, say goodbye to your child and let him or her go out to the other parent’s car instead of having the other parent come in the door to do the pickup.

Change where you’re doing it. Drive your child to the other parent’s home yourself.

Transition on neutral territory. Some parents have success with transitions in public places or at relative’s homes.

The third biggest transition children face is death of an immediate family member, says Stouder. In that case, a support group or even church youth group can help give a child an outlet for expressing emotions.

Angele McQuade of Ithaca, NY went through multiple transitions with her four-and-a-half-year-old son. In one month, his baby sister was born, the family moved 1,000 miles to a new state and he started kindergarten. They didn’t have much time to prepare him, but did cuddle a lot, read books about the transitions and work hard to maintain his normal routine. “He was understandably more clingy after his sister was born, and did have some hesitation about starting school so soon after moving to a new state. We talked about his fears and reassured him that even though his life might seem so different, the most important parts hadn’t changed at all. He still had two parents who loved him and would take care of him no matter what.”

Multiple transitions like the McQuades faced can have a bigger impact on a child. For instance, in a divorce, the house is sometimes sold, moving the children into a new community. These transitions impact the whole family system. The parents are often in the middle of the transition themselves and go into “survival” mode, making it difficult to support the children. Unfortunately that is when a kid is most at risk, because they need extra parental support and understanding. If the parent is already on emotional overload, they may have little in reserve to help. Either the children’s needs go unmet, or the children regress, act out, or become anxious/depressed Parents should make sure they have their own support system in place so they can be in a better emotional state to help their children.

Anxiety can be contagious; help children by modeling a calmer, can-do attitude.

Stouder says adjustment can take a year or two, depending on how traumatic the transition event was. She says to look for signs of difficulty coping—extreme withdrawal, bed wetting, nightmares, anger out of proportion to a situation, rebellion, grades dropping, alcohol or drug use—and seek help immediately with a professional therapist.

In the end, the best thing a parent can do is stick with the basics of good parenting: listen, touch, hug, cry, laugh, joke and stay in touch. Don’t assume the child is okay—ask how them how they are doing.

Sharon Wren of East Moline, IL, says the simple transition of her son Logan’s first days at preschool were tough on him. She employed unique method to help him through those early difficult days. “His teacher asked if he had a favorite stuffed animal, which he didn’t.

He did have a mommy and a daddy doll from some play set, so I explained that while the “real” mommy and daddy couldn’t go to school with him, the dolls could. For the first couple of weeks, he’d hold his mommy doll when he was scared or anxious,” she says. In the end, the basic solution worked and Logan eased his way into school.

Sometimes, easing a transition is as easy as adapting to your child’s needs and finding the right mix for what they’re seeking.

RESOURCE LIST

1. Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend (Zondervan Publishers, 1992).

2. The Visitation Handbook: Your Complete Guide to Parenting Apart by Brette McWhorter Sember (Sphinx Publishing, 2002).

3. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish & Kimberly Ann Coe (Avon Books, 1999).

4. Totally Uncool by Janice Levy (Carlhoda Picture Books, 2001).

What’s Tying You Up?

First identify what the issue is.  Is it fear, anger, an old relationship, unfinished business, financial stress, self-expectations, grudges, pity or guilt?  This requires some self-exploration. Determine what feelings exist and if those feelings are helpful or harmful, then determine the root of those feelings.  Often, the real issue is not easily identifiable.  For example, suppose you’ve been in a foul mood for the last six months and you’re unbearable to be around.  When you realize that no one wants to be in your presence, you examine the cause of the behavior.  You haven’t been sleeping well for the last six months, so you blame it on a lack of sleep.  You remedy the situation by exercising right after work instead of later in the evening, decorating your bedroom using feng shui, and going to bed earlier.  However, you still cannot sleep well.  After careful examination you trace the cause of the problem to a conversation you overheard at work regarding possible department consolidations sometime down the road.  Thus, the bad mood may have been the result of insomnia, but the insomnia was a direct result of job stress.

Should You Even ‘Let it Go’?

Feelings of anger, fear, guilt and pity are all completely justifiable emotions, but allowing them to rule your everyday existence can be truly counter-productive; not to mention the control it gives the situation or the other party in the issue.  There are so many things that happen that we truly do not have any control over, such as accidents, illness and death.  Grief is a powerful emotion and one that can so easily leave massive baggage.  The concept of ‘letting go’ does not mean forgetting the individual(s), but allowing one to come to peace with the situation, choosing to remember the good times, and providing the ability to move on with life and release the power the grief had over you.

Being upset with a clerk for not packing groceries the right way and arriving home with a dozen scrambled eggs is completely justified; but holding on to that anger for a week accomplishes nothing else but elevating your blood pressure.  In fact, if this is left to fester – at some point it can stop being about the incident and start being about you – your behavior towards others because you’re upset about the clerk, your failure to thrive because your mood is affecting all aspects of your daily existence.  So, while the clerk was remiss in performing the duties of the job, you could end up being remiss by not “letting it go” and having it contaminate the other aspects of your life.  By letting go you can take control over the situation, stop being the victim and come out the victor.  Close your eyes and imagine the levity of mind, body and spirit that results from being free of the bombardment of daily emotional and/or physical baggage.

Is the ‘Let it Go’ Concept Beneficial to Children?

Most adults learn to filter the situations that are designed to pummel self-esteem.  They learn to handle crises and forge ahead despite obstacles – though not necessarily in a ‘let it go’ manner, it is a tool that adults pick up along the way.  These are things children are still learning and frankly, words can and do hurt.  Consider the ads featuring zero-sized models/actors in a society facing an obesity crisis; the same society in which a movie titled “Mean Girls” did well in the box offices, and a society in which Columbine is not an isolated incident.  These are just some of the situations children face.  Imagine how different society, as a whole, would be if at a young age the tools were put in place to lighten the baggage load.  Would a bully be a bully without his/her load?  Would there be as many cliques?  Would children be able to better concentrate on studies instead of the social dynamics of adolescence?

This is the gift parents can provide their children, teaching them to recognize the baggage and giving them the tools to eradicate it.  Letting go teaches children to take responsibility for their actions, and to not allow the actions of others to continually affect their lives.  It can also help children learn how to reduce the stressors that physically and mentally affect so many adults today.   Letting go is a healing, up-lifting and forgiving place to go, which can also provide children with a stronger sense of self-esteem. However, there’s a fine line between letting go and giving someone permission to take advantage.  Parents will have to teach their children to understand the difference.

How to ‘Let it Go’…

Letting Go is about forgiveness, acceptance, and releasing the hold the situation has over your overall presence.  Letting Go means understanding that the past cannot be changed, but it can negatively impact the future if you allow it to.  Letting Go is about changing the path you are currently walking – to find a path that will yield a better future or result.  Letting it go will be different things for each person – waiting out a situation but not stressing about it while the wait occurs, forgiving someone from high school for a major embarrassment, dating again after a painful break-up, or resolving to find some distance from a toxic situation.  It’s not easy, but well worth the effort for the outcome.

Is it possible to completely remove all baggage from one’s life?  No, not if you choose to be a participating member of society.  Things happen on a daily basis.  Letting Go is about choosing to handle what is thrown at you rather than collapsing under the load.  It’s a conscious decision.  A choice.  Learning the art of ‘letting go’ take practice and patience.  Learning to ‘let go’ is a process.  It takes patience and a great deal of practice to achieve, but can be one of life’s most empowering tools that will serve you for a lifetime.

Caffeine is both a naturally occurring and artificially made drug. Caffeine stimulates the central nervous system which results in feelings of alertness and energy boosts. A generation ago caffeine used to be more common place in drinks and treats reserved for adults, except for soft-drinks for teenagers, and the occasional chocolate milk and hot cocoa for children. However, caffeine is becoming even more mainstream these days – 44 oz. soft drinks, iced tea, cappuccinos, frappachinos, candy, sweets, yogurts, ice cream, energy drinks/shots, pain relievers and good ol’ fashioned coffee.

Recent concerns regarding the obesity trend has had U.S. health professionals examining the dietary intake of children and teens. Their findings have raised eyebrows and have them considering implementing guidelines regarding the amount of sugary drinks and caffeine children should ingest. In Canada it is recommended that preschool children ingest no more than 45 milligrams, and older children no more than 100 milligrams of caffeine per day. 45 milligrams is the equivalent of one 12 oz. can of soda (though we typically buy them in 20 oz. or 24 oz. bottles), or four 1.5 oz. candy bars. How much caffeine is in a large latte, a liter bottle of caffeinated soda, or a king size candy bar?

According to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and the National Soft Drink Association the following list provides a useful guide for the caffeine content in some common products:

Consequences
While the affects of caffeine seem almost instantaneous, it takes approximately six hours for the caffeine to work its way through the system. In 2008 the University of Massachusetts Medical School released a report of 4,600 caffeine related poison control calls taking place in 2005, with children under the age of 19 being involved in half of them.

• Caffeine use can cause heart and nervous problems to be aggravated. In children, this is especially dangerous as parents may not even be aware children have existing conditions in the first place.
• Caffeine from sugary soft drinks could result in cavities and the complete breakdown of tooth enamel from the ascorbic acid.
• If soft drinks are consumed to the exclusion of healthy drinks, vitamin deficiency could result.
• Children who consume 12 oz. soft drinks each day are setting themselves up for potential obesity at a rate of approximately 60%.
• Caffeine is an appetite suppressant. Children may not be eating enough healthy food due to caffeine consumption.
• The rise in child related caffeine consumption could be related to the increased number of children being treated for concentration difficulties in educational settings.

Signs of Possible Caffeine Addiction
Parents should be on the lookout for the following symptoms in their children:

• Headaches
• Insomnia
• Nervous Stomach
• Lack of Concentration
• Jitteriness
• Rapid Pulse
• Elevated Blood Pressure

Solutions
Most parents are not with school-aged children every moment of every day, so it becomes more difficult to monitor them. However, if you’ve noticed some of the signs of caffeine addiction in your child, first ask him/her about it to open the lines of communication.

Determine if there is an underlying cause for the caffeine use, or if your child knows about the consequences of ingesting too much caffeine. Chances are the discussion will result in a few eye-openers for each participant. Next, determine what kind and how much caffeine is being ingested each day, to determine the most effective way to scale things back.

Withdrawal from caffeine in children is no different than adult withdrawals symptoms. Children can experience headaches, body aches, moodiness, fatigue, and possible depression. Despite the possibility of symptoms, parents should not be scared-off from the ultimate goal of decreasing and/or eliminating caffeine.

Some Tips:

• Use the Canadian recommendation as a guide and limit caffeine intake to no more than one 12 oz. can of soda each day.
• Discourage caffeine use at home. Substitute water, milk, juice, or something decaffeinated (which is not caffeine-free, but contains less caffeine.)
• If children are not consuming caffeine, try not to introduce it at all, or keep it to a minimum.
• Have children drink plenty of water to flush the toxins from their systems.
• Have children get plenty of rest. Fatigue is a natural result of caffeine elimination.
• Treats like chocolate, coffee ice cream, and hot chocolate are fine in moderation, as they contain less than 20 milligrams of caffeine. Just don’t eat them all at the same time.
• Do not withhold all caffeine from heavy caffeine users. Serious withdrawal and symptoms will result. Instead start monitoring daily consumption and decrease caffeine bit by bit to work towards complete elimination.
• Most importantly, have patience. Expect some symptoms to occur, but keep communicating to stay the course.

Despite the overwhelming popularity of caffeine, there are ways to limit the introduction of caffeine products to children. Avoid chocolate products, iced tea, hot tea, coffee and soft drinks containing caffeine. If avoidance is not an option, limit the amount of products children consume. Caffeine is addictive, unnecessary and can be very harmful, especially in children. Limit the amount of caffeine children ingest until they are old enough to make the decision for themselves. It’s possible they will never turn to caffeine, even as adults, because they would not have developed a “taste” for it during childhood. Imagine the impact cutting back will have on the emotional and physical health of children, who knows, it may even carry over to the adults in their lives as well.